


What's A Room Without A Light

by AR_Stone



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Anger, F/F, Loss, Loss of Control
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-08
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:08:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27947309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AR_Stone/pseuds/AR_Stone
Summary: In her mind, there was nothing. No chaos. No questions. No belief. Nothing.Was she in shock? She didn’t know.All she could do was stare at the messenger, completely still. Dumbfounded, maybe. It was like she didn’t hear anything at all.*Added more Lexa POV
Relationships: Clarke Griffin/Lexa
Comments: 4
Kudos: 26





	What's A Room Without A Light

**Author's Note:**

> We've all lost people. This is for everyone this year has taken from us. dark as it may be, pain has a purpose. I hope to see that purpose sooner rather than later. 
> 
> Life keeps moving but everyone needs that moment to stop and reflect on what's been taken this year, be it someone or something. This is a grief piece. 
> 
> I hope everyone has some love in their lives to hold onto, and remember to be kind even when shit hurts. Everyone has something that's hurting them, a little love goes a long way.

In her mind, there was nothing. No chaos. No questions. No belief. Nothing. 

  
Was she in shock? She didn’t know. 

  
All she could do was stare at the messenger, completely still. Dumbfounded, maybe. It was like she didn’t hear anything at all. 

  
What had they said? Why are they looking at her like that? Slowly the faces around her became more pained the longer the silence stretched.

  
And all at once everything came back. How long had she been standing here? Who knows, it didn’t matter anyway. Not enough time in the world would save her now.

  
Movement returned to her then, and swiftly turning on her heal, she stormed out of the throne room she made to enter. Back down the corridor, back to the elevator that brought her to the top of the tower. 

  
Just as her senses stopped the moment the message reached her ears, as soon as her wits came back, all she could do was keep moving. As if making it to her destination would change what’s already been done.

  
The elevator dropped her off 2 floors below, where both hers and Clarke’s rooms were. She both needed, and dreaded, getting to that room. Even after changing where Clarke stayed, still this had happened.

  
Lexa’s heart throbbed harder with each step she took. Every second that passed was one closer to the rest of her life. A life she no longer wanted to be a part of.

  
Before she knew it, Lexa was standing outside of Clarke’s room, hovering in the door frame. She was terrified of what was waiting inside. She hadn’t expected to see the dark shadow closing itself around her again. It was never supposed to be in the cards to feel this out of control once, let alone twice. Clarke had only just started assimilating herself into the way of life Lexa’s people had created all those decades ago.

  
It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

  
It was the only thing Lexa could think about. How wrong it all was. How unreal her morning had turned out. And she still hadn’t walked into the room.

  
Lexa was stuck in this doorway, knowing if she stepped inside, she would truly have to reconcile with what’s happened. It wasn’t something she wanted. She wasn’t even sure if she could handle what she knew she’d find. 

  
Just as she’d started backing away, for the first time in her life choosing flight over fight, Nyko came into view. He had been called even before Lexa herself, as she wasn’t a healer. He’d been in the room, assessing the situation, and ultimately had to make the decision that led Lexa to the position she was in now. 

  
Titus would’ve taken this moment to stuff his teachings in her face had Lexa not chained him in her darkest cage under the tower.

  
It was with the grim look of her healer, her servants, even her closest ambassadors, that finally spurred Lexa forward. Her cape and sash flowed behind her as she moved. They were the last barrier she had between herself and what was waiting for her.

  
No amount of armor or status in the world could protect Lexa from the truth. Laying in front of her was the truth. 

  
Once again, she was alone. Alone, absolute heartbreak. Except this time there was no person to blame, no force to battle except fate itself.

  
Clarke was dead. 

  
She’d died in her sleep. Not even 19 years old and the blonde had taken her last breath. Clarke slipped away from life alone and unconsciously. The fact she had been asleep and at peace was the only comfort Lexa could cling to.

  
Clarke was dead.

  
 _Clarke is Dead._

  
Clarke died alone. Lexa wasn’t there. The only light left in her life and Lexa wasn’t even there. The only reason she could take a breath and relax in this world was gone. What was left for Lexa without Clarke?

  
She’d barely survived Costia. After meeting Clarke, that same pain had ailed Lexa for months after Clarke went off alone after Mount Weather. 

  
What was Lexa supposed to do now? 

  
Finally, she’d gotten Clarke back after the betrayal, she’d intervened just in time to keep Titus from lodged loose metal into her body. All of it for what? For this? Lexa couldn’t fathom what was happening in her life.

  
All of that work she had done to unite the clans, her own despair be damned. Finally, she had someone she cared for deeply, who had cared for her in the same way. Only to be taken in the end. Nature had never shown her such cruelty. In all her years Lexa couldn’t recall a time she had been more enraged at a force she couldn’t see, a force she couldn’t fight.

  
Clarke was dead. 

  
Lexa could barely stand to look at the lifeless form of the girl who had her heart. Even in death, she had it. Lexa’s heart had followed Clarke to her grave. There was nothing left for her here without Clarke’s light. Her laughter. Her love. Her wisdom. Her passion. 

  
Did Lexa not deserve any happiness for herself? After everything she had done, everything she had been through, everything she had given up for the greater good! This was what that had goten her? Devastation? 

Clarke was dead, and the how and the why meant nothing because she was gone, and there was nothing Lexa could do but stare.

Lexa had given up so many parts of herself for her people that she was barely alive before she met Clarke. Losing her now, there was nothing she could do, nothing she wanted to do, for anyone else. The Flame be damned. 

  
For the first time in her life, the flame was not influencing her decision making. In that moment, when she saw for herself that Clarke was dead, Lexa was going to be selfish. For once in her short but anguished life, there was nothing that would stop her from doing what she needed for herself. What that was, Lexa didn’t know yet. 

  
Being the Commander with no hope for her own happiness? It was no longer something Lexa could do. And so she wouldn’t.

~

\- 2 months -

Sometimes, her anger burns so bright, it could burn the world to the ground, and that wouldn’t be enough to satisfy it.

She wonders how she’s the only one being suffocated by it, like the flames are crawling down her throat, crisping her lungs, one inch at a time.

Anger is a heavy emotion.

Every so often, the weight of it feels so all encompassing, she swears this is what the titan god Atlas experiences in holding up the sky.

It presses on her soul.

Every so often the force of it makes her completely numb, left void of anything, wondering around looking for any hint of life inside herself.

But not for one second, ever, would anyone looking at her have even the slightest clue of any of this.

People might see her, might see her as sad, or depressed at times. That too, is true, but it’s not the whole story.

The sadness, the empty look in her eyes, that’s what’s left over, when her capacity to contain the fires run dry.

It’s the look she wears after her sense of the world leaves her. All that’s left in its wake is this incessant hollowing ache that she can never quite name.

It feels a little like her soul is detaching itself from her body. Like there’s not enough space in her chest to house it any longer.

Like there isn’t enough distance in the world to fully express herself, let alone the fragile vessel of the human body.

These are the days her death sits most heavy in her chest.

When that pain, shielded by blinding anger, threatens to kill what’s left of her hardly beating heart.

On those days, the world tilts a little harder on its axis under her feet.

On those days, there are not enough words in the universe to detail the sensations hiding in her rib cage.

On those days, she can never find the right words, can never be present enough to really try, either.

How would one describe the mind-numbing ache to perfection, anyway?

Every thought contradicts the next, never settling on any, but not quite inaccurate either.

She’s thought to herself, on many occasions, that if only there were a timetable, a strict set of rules for this deep hurt she holds, she would follow it to the letter. She would complete the task at hand, and move on.

So many times, she’s wished on gods she doesn’t think are real for any kind of reprieve from the ache.

She’s yet to hear back.

She thinks about joining her love in the next life.

She thinks about what it would mean to do it.

She knows she can’t. she knows she won’t.

More than that, she knows Clarke would never allow it. The stars know those blue eyes would narrow in defiance and send her straight back to life.

And Lexa knows this. She knows, but she entertains the idea anyway. She’s never done anything just for herself.

And so, she wonders, this one thing, she wonders what will be waiting for her. She thinks she knows. She wants to find out, but she knows, she knows she must wait.

Even as her anger is too heavy, and her pain too hollowing, she knows she must wait.

Anger is a heavy emotion.

And still, she can’t put it down.

She can’t let it go.

And so she holds it, waiting for the stars.


End file.
